The typewriter
by AKATSUKI SUPER FAN
Summary: Pein acidentally gets a typewriter in the mail and chaos ensues. Oneshot AU, OOCness, bla, bla, bla...


**Hello everybody. I'm back. ^^**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Today was a very special day for the Akatsuki: Pein secretly got a super secret package in the mail. He didn't want Kakuzu to know, because he used his money.

"Oh boy, err…I mean…hello."

Pein shrieked at the beginning, but soon returning to his boring old voice.

"Here's your package Mr…Brain…"

The mail man said.

"It's Pein you b*tch!"

Pein yelled in the mail mans' face.

"I'm a guy, oh and that reminds me, you're in debt!"

The mail man made a comeback. Pein went back into his office and came back with a loaded riffle.

"Oh, if it's a war you want, it's a war you'll get."

The mail man said taking out two pistols and the gun fire started.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hidan was doing his daily ritual, well, sort of because this one was kinda different. Hidan was stabbing a chocolate bar while all of the others were watching TV, completely oblivious to the fact that Hidan had set the sweet on fire.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Pein and the mail man were lying on the ground, bullet wounds on Peins' head, arm, legs and an indent on his buttocks, and yes, it did not penetrate his Gluteus Maximus (His butt for your information.). The mail man on the other hand, was a pile of black ash.

"Take that you motherf*cker!"

Pein said, lifting his head from the floor.

"You'll never walk this Earth again!"

Pein continued. Pein got up and took the package, walking back into the base.

"Hey all you goobers, we go ourselves a package!"

Pein said with an accent that made no sense at all.

"Oh boy, Tobi like packages because Tobi's a good boy!"

Tobi said happily.

"Tobi, shut the h*ll up, I'm trying to watch The Detonators un!"

Deidara yelled.

"Sorry Sempai…"

Tobi sulked.

"**Yeah, yeah, Sempai this Sempai that, why don't you call him something like clay man, Claydoll, anything that has to do with clay**."

Zetsus' black side said.

"Zetsu, have you been watching Pokemon?"

Kakuzu asked, not looking up from his huge stack of loot.

"**No you greedy fat *ss**."

Zetsus' black side snapped.

"Hey, I resent that!"

Kakuzu yelled, looking up from his stack of money.

"Oh yeah, and speaking of fat *ss, Kakuzu, why don't you go sit on the fire."

Zetsus' white side said.

"Hey, my *ss is big, but not that big!"

Kakuzu retorted.

"Oh yes it is!"

Hidan said, watching the chocolate burn. Pein interrupts Hidan before he can go on a swearing spree.

"Guys, if you don't mind, can we please open the d*mn box?"

Pein asked/yelled.

"Oh, fine you d*mn b*tch…"

Hidan muttered, standing up and letting the candy burn the carpet.

"NOOOOO MY CARPET, I PAYED THREE DOLLARS FOR THAT!"

Kakuzu yelled, jumping out of his seat and sitting on the burning sweet.

"Oh yeah? Three dollars my *ss."

Konan said, staring at the 'idiot box' (That's what Itachi called it.).

"Hey, where are Itachi and Kisame?"

Pein asked, looking around the room. When he got no answer, Pein continued.

"Anyways, lets open the d*mn box."

Pein said, taking out a kunai and slashing at the cardboard. Pein looked inside and found out that it wasn't what he wanted.

"Hey, this isn't my dry cleaning, it's a typewriter!"

Pein protested.

"Ooh! Can Tobi have it?"

Tobi asked, jumping up and down happily.

"Yeah right, I doubt that you can even spell un."

Deidara scoffed, watching a building collapse.

"Oh yeah, watch me Sempai."

Tobi said, jumping down and starts to type rapidly. Five minutes later, Tobi picked up twenty sheets of paper, examining them carefully.

"Holy sh*t, it's the Constitution of Independence!"

Zetsus' white said in shock. Zetsus' black side slaps himself. Everybody just walked out of the room, Kakuzu starting to burn. Hidan laughed at the money man as he ran around in circles as his big rump burned.

"I TOLD YOU MY BUTT WASN'T BIG ENOUGH!"

Kakuzu yelled as he continued to run in circles.

"Oh, do I have to help you? Here pour this on you."

Hidan mocked, holding up a tin of jet fuel. Kakuzu eagerly grabbed it and poured it on his burning body part and ended up bursting into flames.

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

Hidan yelled, putting on an army helmet and jumping behind the couch for protection. Konan looks over her shoulder to see a giant fire ball hurdling towards her direction.

BOOM!

Hidan looked over the top of the couch, but didn't notice that Konan was burned and shriveling. Hidan stood up and stepped on Konan in a lame attempt to put out the fire, killing her.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Tobi was in his room, typing with his new typewriter.

"Tobi is really good at this."

Tobi said. Itachi opened the door to his room and walked into the room, oblivious to the fact that he just stepped on his partners' face.

"Tobi, what are you typing?"

Itachi asked kindly.

"Tobi is typing a novel!"

Tobi said triumphantly.

"What's a novel?"

Itachi asked.

"Tobi doesn't know, but it's fun to type."

Tobi said, not bothering to look up at the Uchiha.

"Okay, now that I know that, may I borrow something?"

Itachi asked.

"Tobi wants to know what Itachi would like to borrow."

Tobi said, still typing.

"I need to borrow your DS so I can play my new game!"

Itachi said. Tobi looked at Itachi.

"F*ck you!"

Tobi said, because nobody could borrow his DS.

"No person will borrow Tobis' DS and live!"

Tobi said, random thunder and lightning booming in the background. Itachi then feels that he had just wet himself.

"meep…"

Itachi squeaked as he scurried out of the room, again stepping on his partners' face. Kisame then woke up, oblivious to his two black eyes.

"Tobi, may I borrow a piece of paper?"

Kisame asked, almost falling over as he made an attempt to stand up.

"No, now get out of my sight!"

Tobi said, not looking up at the fish man.

"Well then f*ck you Tobi!"

Kisame yelled, stumbling out of the dim room. Tobi threw a kunai in Kisames' direction, stabbing him in the back. Kisame still walks out unfazed by the huge hole in his back.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Many of the non occupied Akatsuki were running around in a panic, struggling to put the raging fire out which had spread through the whole first floor. What they didn't know was that Hidan dumped oil on the chocolate bar, making water completely ineffective.

"Hidan, I'm gonna kill you!"

Pein yelled over the roar of the flames aiming AK47 at Hidan. Hidan was laughing like a maniac while he was running out of the path of the on coming bullets. Kisame tumbled down the stairs and lands in the angry flames. Everybody stops to look at what used to be Kisame.

"Kisame…you're a grilled fish with a side dish of shark fin soup!"

Zetsus' white side commented.

"It's gonna blow!"

Kakuzu bellowed as a random volcano appeared and started to rumble. Everybody jumped behind the 'idiot box' which was on fire. By now, most of the Akatsuki was strangling Hidan by the neck. Tobi then walked down the stairs, carrying the typewriter.

"Hey, it's the typewriter, I wanna write my will!"

Kakuzu yelled as he dashed in Tobis' direction.

"No I wanna write my will!"

"No, I wanna write my will you blasted *ss!"

"Hey, didn't you ever hear about ladies first!?"

Konan shriek as she came back to life from the shriveling mass of ashes.

"Don't you mean uglies first!?"

Hidan managed to choke out as his face started to turn purple. Then all of the Akatsuki started to run to Tobi who was freaked out.

"Tobi's a good boy! Tobi's a good boy!"

Tobi yelled as he ran away from the mini mob. Tobi then tripped and was attacked by the mini mob. They all started to fight, Hidan punching Pein in the face over and over. Itachi used Tsukuyomi on Konan, Zetsu was eating half of Tobi alive and Kisame was being roasted to a medium rare. Sasori opened the door which fell on top of Deidara, knocking the bomber out. Deidara fell back and landed on the typewriter, causing it to explode along with his body. The fire started to die down and left only the ground of the base as they sat in the middle of the burned remains of the base. They all walked over to a large rock and fell asleep like it never happened.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Pein woke up, looking around and figured out that it was all a dream. Well f*ck that because the door bell rang. He went over to the door and opened it.

"Oh boy, err…I mean…hello."

Pein shrieked at the beginning, but soon returning to his boring old voice.

"Here's your package Mr…Brain…"

The mail man said.

"It's Pein you b*tch!"

Pein yelled in the mail mans' face.

"I'm a guy, oh and that reminds me, you're in debt!"

The mail man made a comeback. Pein went back into his office and came back with a loaded riffle.

"Oh, if it's a war you want, it's a war you'll get."

The mail man said taking out two pistols and the gun fire started. Pein then thought 'Whoa, serious Déjà vu.'

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Yay it's done! Please review and no mentions of flames and no flames! **


End file.
